An Open Letter to Mother Nature

 "I'm not saying I'd like to build a summer home here, but the trees are actually quite lovely."

Dear Mother Nature,

Hey, Girlfriend! How goes it? I feel like we haven't shot the breeze in for-EVAH, though to be fair, the breeze is kind of your thing, so maybe that's on you. How are things? Are you well? Have you talked to Tampax about those commercials yet? I know you were really offended, so I hope you've got it all sorted out. I wouldn't know—I watch everything on the DVR, so commercials aren't really an issue, but I do feel for you.

So I was hoping to touch base with you about a few things. See, Husband and I are working HELLA hard to get the house in tip-top shape to sell next year, and we want to have a yardsale to get rid of a shitload of unwanted (but super awesome!) stuff. I know you've got a lot on your mind, what with winter basically bailing on you completely this year and the weather people all up in your biz-nass, but would it be possible to maybe just consider giving us a dry, sunny Saturday this weekend? It's just that the past FOUR weekends have been rainy, overcast, and generally unpleasant, and you know how people are. They're all, "It's raining! I don't want to stand in someone's muddy yard and give them money for their water-logged old crap! Waaaaaaaa!"

Am I right?

So look, no pressure, but if you could just consider it. Enough of the April showers—let's see some of those famous May flowers!

Oh, you're sick of that line? Sorry. Sorry for that. April showers/May flowers are out. My sincerest apologies.

And you know, if you need any help crafting that letter to the tampon people, you let me know. I'm on your side. That bitch looks nothing like you. You're so much prettier than she is.

Affectionately yours,

Jen