Things I Never Thought I'd Say

For the past few months I've been slowly compiling a list of the ridiculous crap that comes out of my mouth due to my position as Mother. This list does not include the intentionally ridiculous stuff that I say. This is all 100%, Grade-A, first reaction phrasing. See if you can guess to whom each item was spoken.

Yeah, my kids are in a teepee. What?

"Could you please stop eating Mommy's breastpump?"

"We do not hit Mommy with our flashlight!"

"You HAVE to sit still! I'm trying to pick dog hair off your testicles!"

"Well, no, go ahead and wash the poop off your hand first."

"Get your spell book off the table, please."

"No, please don't put your pizza on my leg." 

"Honey, why do you make me have to get up and...parent you?"


I hope everyone has a lovely weekend, breastpumps, testicles, poop and all. ;)