Things I Will Never Be Able to Teach My Children

At some point, many homeschoolers hear some version of the snide, "What qualifies YOU to teach? Do you have a degree?" I have not been subjected to this ignorant and most offensive query, because I am fortunate enough to be surrounded by people who have witnessed my Jeopardy! prowess are aware of my mad trivia skills. 1066? Battle of Hastings, mother f***er!

That said (so elegantly), I'm not as arrogant as I may seem. I know my limitations. And also, rote memorization is not real learning, anyway, so my quick recall on a well-known date means little. I believe an emphasis on critical thinking and instilling a desire to learn is far more important than being good with dates, and I try to learn my youngins in such a way.

Still, even with that in mind, here are a few examples of things I am fully aware that I will never, ever be able to teach my children:


High-level mathematics
Just about any homeschool parent you talk to will tell you that, at some point, they felt the panic of, "How am I going to teach calculus?" I never even took calculus. I was required to take Algebra I, Geometry, and Algebra II. And that is exactly what I took. Nothing more, nothing less. In college I took Math for Liberal Arts Majors. It was the only math credit I was required to have, and by god it was the only one I took. And I got a C in it. That was mostly because of attendance, but still. I am capable of better.

I would be proud if this was my kid. For reals.

Anyway, back to the choking, paralyzing fear of how to approach upper-level math. Simply put, I won't teach it. Seriously. I will teach my children the math basics that they will use in their lives, much of which you don't really have to "teach" to children because, like reading, the ability to add, subtract, and logically solve real-life math problems can be self-taught. We often play percentage games, where I let Bear figure out tips or sales and tax prices. We're going to do a 5th grade math workbook next year, just to "cover" math. But I can say with absolutely no hesitation that I have learned far more math as an adult in the real world, simply by putting the basics to use, than I EVER did in school. In school I came to understand that I was "bad" at math. As an adult, I've realized that I'm actually really good at it. I use it often and I use it well. But "it" has never been trigonometry.

So upper-level math. We'll determine its necessity for things like the ACT or SAT or whatever in high school. If we find that there is a need to learn it, I have many, many options, from private tutors to Leaves of Learning to free online resources galore at my fingertips. Very few teachers are experts in all the subjects they teach, as evidenced by the egregious grammatical errors I often spotted on letters home from Bear's former school. *shudder*

Skilled handicrafts

Awesome handmade hats from my friend, KP

We've discussed my komplete and utter kraft inkompetence, have we not? And yet, I find such value in the ability to be able to create beautiful things. I love the Charlotte Mason style of learning and while I have no intention of following it to the letter, I love her belief in learning to create useful things with our own hands. I have never been a fan of handprint turkeys or other such nonsense, cute as it may be. I love the sweet ornaments my Bear made for us in Kindergarten, because they can hang on our Christmas tree and make us smile. They are useful.

That said, when it comes to creating beautiful, useful handicrafts, I'm basically useless. I've been learning to sew a bit, and I can fix a simple hem or sew on a button just fine. But I cannot crochet, or knit, or embroider, or whittle, or any other delightful craft. And I can't teach my children to do those things, either.

But...I know people who can. My mother-in-law is a whiz with a paintbrush. She can also crochet, she has already taught Bear to cross stitch, and she's adept at figuring out things she's never done. Husband gets his handiness from her, I think. He uses it in different ways, but the talent for creating useful things with his hands is the same.

I'll never have the patience or probably even the drive to truly master any handicrafts, and will therefore be unlikely to be of much use to my children. But we're fortunate to have access to talented people who love us and want to share their gifts and knowledge with us.

Perfect homekeeping
In this season of my life I'm lucky to get by with adequate homekeeping. Technically the laundry and the dishes and the tidying up and the toilet and the bathtub and the bed-making and the vacuuming and the sweeping and the mopping and the dusting fall under my chore umbrella. Chorebrella.

But yeah...no.

This is what a priority looks like.

I could get all of those things done in a day. I could. I could do it if those were all I had to do. However, I am also responsible for planning, shopping for, and preparing the meals; overseeing the budget; learnin' the youngins; running various errands; and at some point, taking care of myself. I'm not a martyr here. We're all busy and have a lot on our plate. What I'm saying is that on any given day, I can possibly take care of two or two and-a-half of those things. I can do the important cleaning (anything that attracts bugs if not tended to), care for my children and do Bear's lessons, and possibly one other thing.

And then I'm spent. That's it. There is no more time. So on any given day, there is a stack of overdue library books under a half-finished grocery list and a pile of expired coupons on my counter top. Next to it is a casserole dish that totally needed to "soak" for two or three days, and there are probably Legos or something soaking in it, too. My hair is likely in some form of twisty, I-give-up knot because it hasn't been cut since November (true) or washed since Friday (also true, though hopefully not by the time you read this). My to-do list probably reads something like this:

Dishes
Laundry (change pillowcases!)
Finish grocery list and coupons
Pay car insurance bill! Due today!
Check Bear's math from the last three days
Finish sewing up holes in Bear's socks
Thaw chicken for dinner
Write out birthday cards for [whomever] and [whomever else]
Run out to get stamps!
Bank
Library
For god sake, SHOWER.
Read one chapter of a book, just for pleasure
Bathe Bug
Have Bear take a shower


By the end of the day it will likely look something like this:

Dishes
Laundry (change pillowcases!)
Finish grocery list and coupons
Pay car insurance bill! Due today!
Check Bear's math from the last three days
Lessons
Finish sewing up holes in Bear's socks
Thaw chicken for dinner
Write out birthday cards for [whomever] and [whomever else]
Run out to get stamps!
Bank
Library
For god sake, SHOWER.
Read one chapter of a book, just for pleasure
Bathe Bug
Have Bear take a shower

Again, I am nobody's martyr. I have a strong feeling that I am singing a very familiar tune here, and this is just the season of life I'm in right now. And my husband helps out with "my" chores quite a lot, without having to be asked and without so much as a grimace. But I will never, ever be that hyper-organized, pulled-together mom who can get it all done. I think that takes a very particular personality type along with a particular set of skills, and it's a rare combination.

I will teach my children how to keep a home well enough. Well enough means everyone is fed, rested, and loved. That, I can do.

This post got super duper long (that's what she said). So anyway, those are a few of the things I will never, ever be able to teach my children. What do you suck at?